


not a fire i'd waste to burn you

by lornemalvoofficial (VerboseSniper)



Series: rivers of denial [lornester vignettes] [1]
Category: Fargo (2014)
Genre: Drabble, Introspection, M/M, No Plot/Plotless, Vignette, misogyny tw. lester's perspective in the first chap so :/
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-18
Updated: 2016-02-20
Packaged: 2018-05-21 09:22:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6046381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VerboseSniper/pseuds/lornemalvoofficial
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"now you sleep beside and with the cold, because some people seem to carry it on their tongues. the kind of person who <em>does things</em> to you."</p><p>an introspective preface to some lornester vignettes i'm publishing soon. like a shiny movie trailer or something.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. bitter winds

**Author's Note:**

> based partly on some flash fiction i wrote for my blog, inglorioustimes @ medium. usual warnings apply, lornester is an abusive relationship; if what i write comes off as endorsement, please tell me.

The cold consumes you, and first it takes your motivation. 

What do you want to be when you grow up? As a kid you never knew. Would it worry people if you just said ‘alive’? When you’re six, you can still just about get away with an animal of some kind. You have this detailed thesis in your head, the crux of which is how dogs never have to worry about girls or pop quizzes.

And, well, they just play-fight, don’t they? One might emerge the loser, but their forfeit isn’t something they carry on their backs for decades. After all, they’re lucky to live more than one.

A year later and you’d twisted the question into _having_ rather than being. You said you wanted to be rich. You shrugged whenever any particularly cynical adult asked how.

When your balls dropped you wanted something. Someone. You took her, then you threw her away when you figured out you were wrong. Uxoricide committed by a maverick hound. That is who you were when you swung that hammer. You felt like you had everything.

You had everything and then you exchanged it for the cold. The cold makes you grateful for empty rooms. And now you sleep beside and with the cold, because some people seem to carry it on their tongues. The kind of person who _does things_ to you.

The thing is you’re forty-one this year and you still don’t know who you want to be. You’re not enjoying yourself. You’re not _not_ enjoying yourself.

Then you’re staring into the mirror at three a.m. and you have it. You want to be anonymous the way roads are in their own way anonymous, and lucky for you, you’ve already got your wish. Only one person knows who you are. You think this makes you less exposed.

Except your back is crawling. His eyes seeming to penetrate the bathroom door.

The cold is what you asked for, but you can't stop the shivers.


	2. frostbite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It takes a conversation to make an average Joe fall. It’s when they crash that matters. _Whether_ they crash."
> 
> lorne's half of the same scene.

You spend your whole life hurting people. It’s all you know. Could saw your body apart and find hate in the marrow of your bones. It’s in your stare. Those who meet your gaze, they know they’re tracing a rose stem with their finger and thumb. Waiting to hit every thorn. You look for ammunition and nothing more.

So you’re not surprised when he wakes you up, asks you if you were watching just then. Doesn’t matter what he thought was worth watching. Nobody knows what makes them interesting as a person. Outside perception's the only authority. But it’s the assumption that counts. You’re the threat, never sleeping but always _lying_ beside him. He’s entangled by the idea of you; he can't reach further beyond.

You don’t respond at first, twist your posture to inspire suspicion. You fix him the look in the dark. The look that says even if you were, he will never find out.

You won’t give him the tools to set himself free. But then you won’t use them yourself.

Strength isn't why he’s still alive. Strong people are outside your influence, at least the kind of influence you use on people like him. It’s the contradictions that get you. He cowers, suspects, flees. He bludgeons, asserts, challenges. It’s not that he shows a different half to a different person. He shows all of this to you because you’re the only one who’d understand, can handle seeing the cracks on the surface.

All you did was start the timebomb, and you’re going to be there until it blows. You have to know you’ve done enough to make the blast worthwhile so you sting him worst of all.

Justification: You did not tempt him. You did not lead him anywhere he did not intend to go. You gave him a chisel for his mask.

It takes a conversation to make an average Joe fall. It’s when they crash that matters. _Whether_ they crash.

He’s asking can you be straight with me. Grasping at the chains around him.

“Ask the wrong questions and you get the wrong answers.”

His brows knotted together, the creases in his forehead are the darkest caverns in the room. “You _didn’t_ answer.”

“Because you wouldn’t be satisfied whatever I told you. That’s if you believed me at all.” You say it like unconsciousness had no input. To misdirect from that as an option.

He stammers, his tongue ahead of his mind. Hoping he can find a retort so early before dawn. He doesn't press further, and with the tiniest sigh he lies down beside you. He’s on his back right now. Then he turns onto his side to face you, his eyes squeezed shut.

You didn’t wake when he stirred. This has probably happened before. You tell yourself you’ll get up. You’ll screw the silencer onto your gun and pull the trigger on his head.

You don’t.

Justification: no, fuck that. You got jack shit except ‘the time isn’t right’. That your death was always a risk, with or without a ~~partner~~ pet.

You want his death to be more of an event as though he’d afford you the same. Does that ever bother you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm eager to get to more so i kind of just hashed this one out. it's probably pretty obvious. also lmao the irony of a hot title and cold chapters.
> 
> -youtuber voice- please let me know what you think in the comments, and consider subscribing to the series (rivers of denial) if you would like to read more!


End file.
